Confectionery Contraband

I am feeling the effects of the dragee ban in our environmentally conscientious state as my stash dwindles. We all love and grew up with these festive confections but it’s illegal to sell the pretty little metallic coated sugar balls that I use with abandon on my decorated cookies and cupcakes. It’s also prohibited to ship them into the state so I cannot buy them online! Something about minute traces of heavy metal. There has never been any documented health problems from ingesting these jewels. Why we are allowed to have gold and silver leaf up the wazoo I do not know.

I wonder if I would be stopped at the airport going through security or if the new body scanners would pick up the small suspicious cylinders in my waistband. I could never be late to catch a plane, however. I would sound like a percussion band running to the gate. I can see it now – airports teaming with well-manicured, dragee-sniffing, poodles all named ‘Fifi’ or ‘Popeye Doyle’ for flights bound for LAX. I could claim ‘Baker’s Profiling’ and be on CNN with Anderson Cooper! Gloria Allred would be my attorney, if she’s not too busy with Tiger’s mistress. Larry will have his people call my people (ok, my answering machine guy) and set up a definite maybe for studio time with those little dragee looking lights all lit up behind me … ‘Go ‘head caller you’re on the line with Pink Martinis and Pearls. What’s your question?’

Dear Mr. No-Fun Napa Lawyer,

Get a grip! These candies are not eaten by the handful and every label I’ve seen says they are for decoration purposes only and they are still not considered toxic. People all over the world, in many cultures, for hundreds of years have happily and joyfully eaten dragees and still do except in California where apparently you are the only one who sees them as evil. I ask you to find your inner child. Make peace with the clown.

Look in your own backyard. You live in Wine Country, for Pete’s sake, where this beverage is readily produced, sold and consumed and is, in itself, considered toxic and addictive to countless others. Mercury in the seafood? I’d start there over dragees. The entire state does not require protection from crunching a few silver balls of sugar on a cookie or cupcake. The time spent on your consumer crusade must have taken months if not years to have strong armed the legislature. Regression therapy would have been a better use of your time and money.

This is what the therapist would have told you ~
‘Now inhale a deep breath and take your index finger and thumb and flick yourself on the forehead, pour yourself a nice glass of a full and fragrant Napa Merlot, hang a fang on some California cheese made from happy cows, and enjoy your patio and beautiful surroundings.’

You have embarrassed me to tell fellow bakers I am a Californian!

As I write, my confectionery contraband is en route from my out-of-state dealer and will be arriving in unmarked packages so the feds don’t get wind of it. It’s good sh*#. I’ll be selling it on the street for whatever the market will allow. You’ll find me in the alley. Look for the metallic flash under the street light.

To find out what I’m doing with my favorite ‘for decoration purposes only’ confection…